Dear Women, All Men Aren’t Assholes

Disclaimer: This post addresses a certain section of women, and talks about a certain category of men. It does not generalize about sexes. In fact, it seeks to counter certain generalized notions about them which need to be thrown out of the window.

Of late, I have witnessed (and experienced) more heartbreaks than I ever thought I would. All a part of growing up and coming to terms with reality, they tell me. But what has been most surprising is the depth of emotion I have seen the males in these relationships display and the cold, calculative manner in which the ‘better halves’ have gone about the breaking-up business. I grew up being fed the generalization that women tend to be the more emotional ones, and men the jerks, capable of emotion only when it came to sport. The truth could not be farther.

For those girls out there who keep whining about there not being ‘any good men’, I have news for you: We exist. And we’re better than your limited understanding of men lets you imagine. And we take offence every time you post a sweeping generalization that starts with “All men…”. You are looking for him with the wrong criteria in your head, or maybe he’s right where you left him: In the friendzone, possibly still waiting for you to get your priorities straight. While you went about getting attracted to a charming smile or a cool hairdo or leather jackets on bikes or an aloof attitude, he was right there – sitting next to you in class, sharing his lunch, texting you all day, lending you his favourite books, actually listening to you, wiping your tears on every heartbreak, or just staring from across the hall without the courage to come up and talk.

Of late, I have come across some of the most disturbing dating advice and even worse definitions of all-things-love from some female friends. “Why get so involved and mushy in relationships? You’re young, go out there, use your devices, and have fun! Girls love to date a guy who treats them at a fancy place, buys them drinks!” chirped a female friend concerned over my latest relationship being torn apart by the other half. As much as I’d like to use my ‘devices’, contrary to popular perception, sex is not the only reason we’d get into a relationship. It’s not the topmost reason either. When a groom-hunting friend was asked, out of curiosity, what she was looking for, the first criterion thrown at me was an outrageous annual salary. For the women who fall in these categories, yes, we don’t exist. Not for you. Thankyouverymuch!

To define our critically-endangered species, and to burst the bubble of those who choose to believe we went extinct with your dads’ generation, here’s how we work:

We are hopeless romantics at heart but we may never say it in as many words. We love a happily-ever-after and want it as much as you do. Some of us, despite numerous reality-checks, have also managed to hold on to the belief of a ‘soulmate’ but we’re on the brink. Push us too far and we’ll lose it.

Yes, we might be instinctively and briefly attracted towards great bodies and beautiful faces owing to our anatomical wiring, but what really holds our attention and draws us in are great conversations, witty retorts, self-confidence, kindness, a certain amount of intellect, a unique opinion, an eccentric soul who is not afraid to be herself.

When we’re in a relationship, we don’t cheat on our girls. It’s difficult to think of another while you’re so deeply in love with a person. To set the record straight once and for all, we don’t think of you as fat unless you keep pointing at yourself and saying it over and over again. In fact, it hardly matters to us if you gained two or lost a few. We wouldn’t notice; we’re too busy looking at the way you’ve made your hair today, or the fact that your eyes keep going to a certain pair of shoes at a store and making a mental note of surprising you with it on the next big day (and probably about saving up for them.)

We might make fun of you when you cry in a movie, it’s simple diversion- our way of hiding the fact that it affects us too; you should see us watching it alone or reading a tragic love story- we’re busy blinking back some of our own.

We love to get you flowers, or balloons, or the random accessory you mentioned on a phone call – anything that makes your face light up. We love to try our hand at art. Even if we might end up making something really sloppy, we want it to convey something to you. Read the thought behind it, we’ll get better at the technique. Needless to say, we can be charming as hell, but we reserve that side for the ones who love us despite us, or better, for being us. Ask our best friends.

If you just look past the first few pages of inappropriate doodles and careless ink blotches in our notebooks, you’ll see a romantic poem reveal itself, and quotes from books you wouldn’t have heard of. If you just get past the top shelf of our DVDs, underneath the Avengers and the Transformers and the A-team, you will discover a RomCom collection that will beat yours. Before you question the placement, ask yourself: Why would a guy, in a world with such a skewed perception of masculinity, admit his favourite movie of all time is ‘Before Sunrise’? How will he not fake-scoff at a Nicholas Sparks mention, when the whole world, including the woman who he seeks to woo, believes that that genre of books/movies is not for the testosterony? This does not mean we do not actually enjoy indulging in crass humour or computer-graphics-enabled nihilism as is the perception. We do. (We don’t judge you for spending half your salary on a handbag or gossiping about each others’ love-lives either). We love those typically-boyish indulgences. But believe me- as much as we like to defeat the evil forces of the Universe on a computer screen, we also like kicking back with a John Green novel every now and then.

You think you have it tough living up to a societal perception of feminineness? Try being a man, experiencing loss and holding back your tears. Try getting dumped by the love of your life for “no fault of yours” and being asked by friends to move on to the ‘other fish in the sea’ while your whole world crumbles inside you. More often than not, we have it equally bad, if not worse.

And before you assume all of these guys I just described must be taken: Ironically, most us are single. Why, you ask? I have lost count of how many times I have seen a female friend reject the nice guy, choose the jerk, and then whine about “All Men” being “Assholes”.

“He doesn’t get me flowers!”, “He doesn’t care when I’m angry”, “He doesn’t listen to me”. Well, you kicked out the one who would have done it all. It’s time you cut out the hypocrisy or deal with the consequences of your choice. And whatever you do, stop generalizing.

  • To the girl who dumped someone for being ‘too nice’ (I know a poor chap who got that) or for ‘loving you too much’ (I actually got that one), you deserve the person you chose for yourself. Good luck!
  • To the one who thinks you haven’t come across one of us, look closer. We’re all around. This article and the comments beneath are evidence. Also, notice the authors of some of your favourite romantic novels. Guess what? Men!
  • To the girl who fell for the nice guy, hold on to him and he’ll give you the world. You deserve every thing you get – stop feeling you don’t give back enough (I keep hearing that). He loves you for being you, and there’s no other way he would have it.
  • To those of you who are looking for Ian Somerhalder’s grin, or Enrique’s exotic accent, or Channing Tatum’s abs, or the Hemsworth brothers’ faces, or worse – a fictional character like Mr Darcy – in guys, I hope you get men who possess all those things. (Hey, the superficial ones need to spawn their next generation too!) The concept of true love will, sadly, remain a mystery to you. [Before you vent spite, consider what you think of men who drool over Internet pictures of Megan Fox and bodyshame you for not looking ‘perfectly shaped’. Why wouldn’t a guy feel the same way when compared to a model and shamed? Yes, bodyshaming and objectification happen both ways and hurt both genders. Sorry to burst that bubble.]
  • Lastly, to the fellow gentlemen who belong to this league I proudly take the liberty of representing in this post: It’s a ridiculous time to be alive and in love. But, hang in there! (Also, did you check out the latest Call of Duty? It’s awesome!)

– An unapologetic romantic

Advertisements

233 thoughts on “Dear Women, All Men Aren’t Assholes

  1. Brillaint !!! Acted as a refreshing lime juice in torrid summer!! The most wonderful thing about this article is so many guys can relate to it.
    I was so touched by the first comment by Ashwin!!
    Nothing hurts so much as the words “Move on, Move on!!” by the girl you love…
    And I always wonder how girls find it so easy to move on and get into a new relationship!!

    Like

  2. Very well written. I was stuck on the line “Try getting dumped by the love of your life for “no fault of yours” and being asked by friends to move on to the ‘other fish in the sea’ while your whole world crumbles inside you” …. Actually speaking i feel that the only fault is when we speak up the truth and express our feelings after which we get unjustifiably abandoned by the girl you loved the most.
    I have gone through this recently and it is very tough indeed to move on.
    Awesome article…..came to me at the right time.

    Like

  3. Well, I am not as good a writer as you are but here’s a personal take on the matter (You may need a mug of coffee to live through this!)…
    Firstly, I guess we, the female community, also are simply trying to live up to a certain image especially with the 21st century feminist movements-one of being independent, unique, strong, get-what-you-want etc. This ‘trying’ no matter how hard we may is very different from being…what happens in the process is, as Hillary Swank puts it in P.S. I love you!, we (read most women) have no idea what we want! Quite often we feel we want something only to realize that in reality we need just the opposite!
    Secondly, thanks to this trying, we may actually reject the same qualities we admire in the ‘last generation of good men’ i.e. our Dads when displayed by the men of our generation! For instance, if my father protects me in a crowded men’s compartment in a Mumbai local, he’s my hero who protects me from ‘all the men who are jerks!’ However if my guy does the same this he is being ‘possessive’. If my Dad asks me to not wear that little black dress to a place he is concerned about my safety…however if my guy feels the same way he’s dominating my free-will!! I guess we (read men and women who currently wear a weird colored lens that makes them see everything in the negative spirit) need to do one of the two things-ask for the other’s perspective or give them a benefit of doubt!
    Last but not the least, we, women are wired too! We too have our own idiosyncrasies…some of us are crazy about art, some have an OCD for cleanliness, some need constant attention (especially in the form of flowers, dinners, etc!) While we want our man to love us for who we are why do we find it unacceptable to love them without arm-twisting them to become ‘MR. Darcy’ or whoever our dream-boy is!?? If I cannot share his enthusiasm for that sci-fi thriller or action fare do I really have the right to expect that he live through a hopeless romantic flick simply because I like it?? If I do not have patience when he spends hours researching bikes before making a 70k investment in one, what right do I have to torment him while I try 50 odd dresses though I actually need to buy just one!!
    Thanks for writing this piece, Sumeet (if my memory serves me right! :P) It pretty much sums up most things that I have seen till date, resonates with the experiences I have lived through and seen close ones be put through! I can assure you that there are rotten apples in both species…neither is perfect…both commit insensitivity towards each other. Even in terms of not being as involved or even in terms of cheating, women today are not far behind!
    Fortunately I belong to the species in bullet point 3! My guy is not the ‘wear it on your sleeve type’ neither does he shower me with compliments every now and then..instead, the few times I dress up, he simply looks at me and smiles that one smile which means much more to me than a hundred thousand compliments put together! I on the other hand am the ‘shower him’ type! He is not a guy who will whisper sweet nothings to me, instead I love it when he throws these weird nicknames he comes up with just for me. He doesn’t cheer or howl when I am playing a match. Instead he just stands there where I can see him and simply smiles or winks each time I win or lose a point-that suffices to cheer me even if I hit a low! He doesnt’ like me dancing in front of an audience-no, he isn’t an MCP! The sole reason is, before we fell for each other and after, he had heard and overheard ‘those men that are a@#$oles’ objectify me…He MAY not be perfect but I KNOW that I am not! We both love each other…BUT we EXPRESS ourselves differently! That’s probably the only truth that we need to know and to accept! Any action or expression can have different meanings for different people. So lets be a little sensitive and mature to ourselves and those who love us. Lets treat people as people rather than expecting them to become that ‘made-to-order, customized’ thing!
    P.S. I need just 10 mins to pick up clothes if and when I shop…so my guy is saved that torment! I am not the dressy type who spends hours tending to hair and care, instead I love being in my pyjamas, hair pulled up in a ponytail, playing a game of badminton or even tending to my garden! I love action, thrillers, romcoms or pretty much any genre as long as it makes sense or is expected to not make any sense! I can decide which property to invest in or which job offer to take up, but I can be indecisive about the smaller things like ordering food in a restaurant! I can be blunt about things to the point of embarrassing those around me without even realizing it! I am horrible at estimating time, as a result of which he ends up waiting for me each time I am caught up with things! He puts up with a hundred flaws of mine simply because he loves me with them. He understands the intent rather than the act itself. He lets me be myself, unabashedly, uninhibited…If one cannot find love in these daily actions, I doubt one will find it in those infrequent bouquet of roses and candlelight dinners!
    Sumeet-pls gimme some tips on writing with brevity! 😛

    Like

  4. I do like this post for it battles generalization, but as a woman I do have one question : Why do nice men fall for these women? Each time I tried to build something with a guy, I realized he was damaged by one such woman and more so, still refused to see the exception in me. if there are exceptions to assholes, there are to bitches too (sorry for the stereotyped word). But women like me are left in the lurch because even nice men want to chase after the hot but not so nice ones and get their hearts broken, and come back to us for mending. It’s unfair to the alternate women too.
    A popular meme over the internet says “Smart guys go for dumb girls, and dumb guys go for dumb girls, so what do smart women get?
    Cats, mostly.”

    Like

    • Yes! My current problem…. he’s great, incredibly nice, sweet, etc. I’m falling for him, but his ex has really messed up his thoughts on relationships… so, where does that leave me?? Probably still looking for a nice guy!

      Like

  5. Briliiantly written! wonderful expression! stumbled upon this thanks to a friend! but somewhere i agree with women views presented in response to your blog. I agree to each of your word, but most men out their (possbly not the ones you are talking about and I am forced to believe you guys are in major scarcity) want ‘dolls’ – who dress matching, carry fancy accessories, are feminine in every which way! there aint much room for simplicity and brains and fist bumping and discussing men/women problems and watching the T20 together. We too, unfortunately, get friend-zoned and remarks to the effect “tu toh bro hai”!
    Hoping to find one of you soon!! 🙂

    Like

  6. Its really nice to know and the effort is appreciated to let us know that this is what “most” guys think. But you know what, girls are not mind readers, so once in a while let us know what you feel so that we don’t have to go around internet to find hopeless romantics. I would like to point out that you have tried really hard to make your point about how wrong it is to generalise but while doing so you have put the girls under that “generalised” category that you so wanted to abolish. There are no right and wrong people in this world, only right and wrong choice’s made. So don’t tell us that we deserve a jerk in our life because we didn’t notice you sitting quietly next to us, have the courage to speak up and you will definitely see a different result. I really liked your post because I have wonderful boys and men around me from my dad to my brother, my cousins to my friends who are wonderful in every which way it counts and you have been a voice to what I believe must be their thought process. Because hey, they are men and they don’t talk.

    Like

    • P.s. this post comes from a guy who has always had the courage to strike a conversation, ask out, get into a committed relationship .. and get abandoned “for no fault of yours”. And no, I didn’t generalize about all women. That line was meant for a certain category of women who push us to the brink after claiming to be “in love with us”. No generalization. I have a lot of very nice female friends too. 🙂

      Like

  7. I think you guys all need to chill a bit… I mean being angry and venting out frustration is fine, but trust me when the time comes you stop meeting the wrong ones and fall for someone you deserve assuming you make the right decision… deserve being the word there…
    and stop blaming people for dumping others… if its not working out for them it will never work for you either… you are just two different people who met along the way…
    trust me, I know what I am talking about… we all have our flaws and some chose to love us for them… find them, I did… and in an arranged marriage too…

    Like

  8. You completely nailed it bro 😀
    You have voiced out the feeling of those guys walking on earth with the hope of making it past the friendzone that we have been pushed into….Its perfect…
    This is the first piece of your writing that i am reading…and i promise you that i am coming back for more from now on…. Keep em comin 🙂

    Like

  9. I agree…. Coz I met one 20yrs back….dated him for five years and have been married to the same guy for 15yrs now. I believe there is someone special for everybody …we just need to look closer ….. 🙂

    Like

  10. Beautiful thoughts Sumeet. I always knew deep down that there is a balance in the universe … so if wonderful women exist wonderful men have to too. How gracefully, simply and wonderfully u have expressed your thoughts. You have strongly reinforced the beliefs that I already had! Would like to thank u for this post! take care !

    Like

  11. Thank you for this. Seriously. I had tough childhood experiences with guys, and I spent most of my teenage years being too afraid to talk to men. This made me feel much better.

    Like

  12. After reading this post some will confront it , some will love it. Some will absolutely hate it(Specially girls) but one cannot ignore it. You have expressed your thoughts in a way that represents many. Good going (y)

    Like

  13. Reaffirms my belief that I’m doing the exact right thing holding out for the right guy, the nice guy, the one that makes me wonder why I ever kissed the toads. Thank you for taking the time to write this! 🙂

    Like

    • 1) Full points for using a ‘Friends’ reference. I love that show to death.. It literally saves me on days.
      2) You’ll be surprised at how many guys have actually read Sparks and know exactly why women like Mr. Darcy. People just assume we don’t. And sometimes, we let them 🙂

      Like

      • 1) So did the “how you doing” work on you 😛
        2) If you hide the special talents then it becomes so difficult for us to find the right guy. There are many girls who end up falling for the wrong ones because either they assume the species you have pointed out doesn’t exist or is so rare that they can’t be lucky enough to get them so we settle down for what is there and then suffer. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  14. Dear men, all women don’t think you’re assholes. I hope you realize how lucky you are to be able to feel so strongly for someone. Sometimes people (men or women) aren’t cold because they want to be. Wouldn’t you think its better to end something than carry it on on nothing but a pretense? Sometimes despite the nicest intentions, you cannot help not feeling strongly for someone. As fun as it may seem to live a worry-less existence with no strings attached to anyone, sometimes that’s the one thing you need the most. Be happy you have that. And on behalf of all (or some) cold women out there, we’re deeply sorry.

    – An apologetic non-romantic (if that’s a word?)

    Liked by 1 person

    • This post was born more out of a statement I’d heard a million times from women all around, than the personal heartbreak (or two) I described. Hence, the title. I’m glad you don’t believe in the stereotype.
      Yes, I’m indeed very lucky to feel so strongly for someone that my clock stayed stuck at our single greatest moment while the person(s) didn’t so much as look back when leaving. Or am I?
      Yes, continuing a pretense holds no value to anyone. But why start it if there was no emotion to begin with? Why open a bandage if the intention is not to heal the wound? No-strings-attached works very well when that’s the need both ways, not when one is looking for a forever.
      You don’t owe me an apology. Nobody really does. This was meant to bust a myth. For those who care to find it, the giant ocean squid does exist. One just has to plunge deeper. Thank you for writing in.

      Like

      • Emotions are such a fickle think my friend. In the beginning, everyone wishes for a forever. Everyone is overjoyed, everyone has expectations. But as time moves forward, sometimes you cannot help what you feel, or where what you once felt (or hoped to have felt) disappeared to. That’s what I meant by continuing the pretense. There seems to be no way I can defend myself here, because I do admit we are in the wrong. I might be a horrible person, but if I say I don’t do it on purpose (maybe I’m biologically wired this way?), would it win me any points? No. Knowing this, allow me to say that for some of us at least, it hurts to hurt you. I hope you understand.

        Liked by 1 person

      • O, talk about a buzzkill! I quite liked it when it ate ships. Now it looks like the kind I could make fried squid rings out of- not that that’s a bad thing mind you.

        Looks like we’ve swayed quite off topic here. Allow me to end this interesting encounter by wishing you the greatest life, good sir. Lord knows you deserve it.

        Liked by 2 people

  15. I love it and it’s beautifully write. This should give women hope. It gives me the next idea to write about. Thanks for sharing. I almost said ‘good luck on the hunt,’ but that’s not whats important. This is the important stuff: Enjoy Life! Embrace Life! Create your own Life!

    Like

  16. Pingback: What you need to know about the opposite sex! | Victoria Thames

  17. This was beautiful, it brought me tears. I didn’t happen upon this, I went looking for something like it (and it happened to be the first google result). You write, and look like, a beautiful soul yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Dear sumeet….
    you have always been there for me for advice… and yes. .. what I could say of you is that… you have always been the good guy… yes I agree with some of your views regarding.. yes all men are not assholes….

    Its about the person you are with dear… human nature is at fault not the gender.

    And yes you are a kicking awesome yourself… so learn to express at the right time… and you wont b let down …. never stop looking for the stranger you fall in love with…. and dont try to similarities. .. try to enjoy the differences. .. n you willl get there…

    Btw.. I am your old old friend… from whom u didn’t hear since long time… but I know u ll figure out… n yes. … I am a great fan of u… u know dat..

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s